Beginnings
by browneyedgirlxx
Summary: It's time for Emma to return to Lima, to see Will again, face the past and get her relationships in order. Whether you start at the beginning or not, beginnings aren't easy but this time there's a good reason for starting over. An unconventional love story. Also a little dark and angsty. Please don't read if you can't handle your Wemma imperfect. Will and Emma are flawed here.
1. Chapter 1

Will watched the two figures walk towards him across the grass, his foot tapping nervously. The phone call had come out of the blue but it was a meeting he'd been thinking about for the longest time. He stood up as she approached.

"Hi, Will," Emma said shyly.

"Hi," he smiled, looking from one set of brown eyes to the other.

"This is Zac," said Emma.

"Hi, Zac," Will said looking down at the little boy.

"Say hi to Will," she prompted as her son twisted at the end of her arm, grinning at her, but looking shyly away from the curly-haired stranger.

Zac looked up, his brown eyes almost overwhelming in his small face,"Hi."

"Hi," Will said, grinning back. One small word for a huge moment.

"He's amazing, Em."

"He is. He really is," said Emma ruffling his hair.

"And, I mean, he looks so much like you," Will shook his head at the sight of the two of them, their red hair, pale skin, big eyes. He could see Emma's earnestness and sweetness in the boy too

Emma nodded. It was what everyone said, though it wasn't what she saw when she looked at her son.

"Do you want to sit?" Will asked uncertain once more of how this meeting should go. Did she really want to sit and chat about old times? "Or, um, we could go over to the play area?"

"We've just been having a run around, haven't we, Zac?" The small head nodded. "So why don't we sit for a bit, okay honey?" Emma took a seat at the end of the bench, lifting her son to sit next to her. "We should talk, Will. It's been a long time."

She was starting to look as nervous as Will felt. It had been a long time. Too long. Will took a deep breath.

"We're going to meet my daddy," announced the toddler with a grin as he wriggled out from his mother's embrace.

"Sure, well, I mean, don't go yet though, Zac. It's great to see you," he spoke to the child though the words were meant for his mother, "we could catch up some more. Or I could come with you." He turned to face her then. "I mean I'd love to see the guy who's made you this happy, Em-ma," he added the second syllable, speaking of her husband just reminded him that he no longer had the right to call her that, "I mean you look happy."

"I am, Will. But," she paused, stretched her hands wide, "there is no guy...I mean no one other than this little guy."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I just thought, well,..." Will was embarrassed. He'd just assumed. It just was so unexpected. Emma was always careful about relationships ...deliberate about them and everything that surrounded them. He looked away, trying to process that information, when he heard her speak again.

"He's yours, Will. He's your son."

She looked directly at him. Her brown eyes clouded, waiting for his response

Her words were clear but he didn't think he could have heard her right. He had no idea what to say.

"Zac, this is your daddy."

Will sat down.

"Oh." Zac looked up at him quizzically. "Do you like cars? I like cars."

Will felt like he'd been hit by a truck. He wasn't sure he could get any words out. "Yes. Yes, I do."

"Red ones are the best," the little boy beamed at him, unfazed. "Mommy says my first word was car."

"It was, sweetie. It was. Will, please say something."

"How? No, I mean when...I don't know... It's just a lot to take in..."

Emma watched Will carefully. She didn't know what she'd really expected from him. It was going to be a huge shock.

"How old is he?" he realized that was a dumb question. He was his father. He should know how old he was.

"He's nearly three, Will. He's starting pre-school soon."

Will rubbed his forehead. He didn't think he looked three. He was sure he looked younger. But then maybe he didn't know what a three year old looked like. But he was the father of a three year old. Of an almost three year old he corrected.

She wanted to keep talking. To tell him all about how wonderful his son, _their son_, was. But she didn't know if giving Will more information now would help. He didn't look like he could take anything more in.

"Do you want to know anything else, Will?" she asked cautiously. Waiting. Breathing.

"When did you know?"

And there it was. The question she'd been expecting. The answer she didn't want to give.

_The night I left, Will._

The words couldn't stay unspoken.


	2. Chapter 2

It all started in the pharmacy that day, the beginning of the end of their relationship. Emma was a little nervous and excited as she stood there reading the packaging of the test kits. This one could tell you with more accuracy, that one sooner, it was bewildering but she wanted to know.

And that outweighed her embarrassment at standing there in that aisle. Because it wasn't how she'd imagined things and she would never have thought she'd be pregnant and unmarried but here she was. And she was so excited by the possibility. She didn't even care if one of the students or Sue or even, God forbid, her mother saw her there. She'd had this sense of joy building at the very idea and she realized that she'd be so disappointed if it wasn't true, if she wasn't having Will's baby. She wanted to be able to tell everyone, most of all to tell Will tonight.

So when April Rhodes walked by, Emma smiled at her. April was flaky, and to be quite honest, a drunk and they weren't exactly friends, but Emma was simply too happy not to smile.

She hadn't meant to encourage a conversation though, so when she sensed that April had stopped behind her she carried on reading the labels, wishing that she'd take the hint and leave.

"So Will Schuester's just as virile as he seems," an elbow nudged Emma in the back. "Got you knocked up already has he?"

Emma could smell the alcohol on her breath.

"Um, hi, April, I'm actually a little busy here." Emma kept her attention on the display, straightening the packet she'd just replaced.

"You and Will have been getting busy, you mean," April laughed, the kind of laugh that drew the gaze of the other shoppers.

That did make Emma feel uncomfortable. She gave April a tight little smile and nodded her head. "Well, we might have some special news to share."

Emma picked up another box to examine, hoping she would take the hint and leave.

"You're lucky. Will's a good guy," April sounded a little wistful. "Still I'm glad he didn't get me knocked up when he was schtupping me. Can you imagine? Me and a baby?" April laughed.

Emma's skin felt cold. It had to be a joke.

"It's not like he didn't have plenty of chances. I mean p-l-enty. I thought I liked sex but you know what I mean the man is an animal."

Emma turned slowly to face her.

"April, you do know that you never actually slept with Will, don't you?"

"Is that what he told you darlin'? Well if you say so," April winked. "We didn't do it in the auditorium then, or in his office, or under the football stand like in high school or even in your bed." April shook her head, a mock serious expression on her face. "We especially didn't do it in your bed."

"In our bed?" Emma was white.

"Oh honey, relax. It was months ago. Months. Will and I haven't got friendly since after I sang at that concert the kids gave."

For a moment all Emma could do was stand there, pieces of her world crumbling around her.

"That was three months ago, April. Will and I have been going out for six." Emma's words were as icy as the blood running through her veins.

"Well math was never my strong suit, so I'm going to agree with you. And I'm glad I could be of help."

Emma stood rooted to the spot, following April's blonde hair as she weaved in and out of the aisles and finally out of the store. The test kit was still in her hand.

She never knew how she got back to their apartment that day. She didn't know how she came to have the pregnancy test. If she paid for it she didn't remember. But it was there in its package, unused, lying in the bag at her feet while she sat waiting for Will to get home.

The key turned in the lock. The door swung open and Will was there, as he was every day, humming a tune the Glee club had been rehearsing and turning to smile at her.

The smile never quite came.

His first words were of concern. He thought something was wrong. She was so still and so quiet, staring straight ahead.

"Baby?" His large strides brougth him swiftly to her side. "Em, what's happened? What's wrong?"

His arms went around her body. Only then did he notice how stiff her shoulders were, how her jaw was set.

"You don't know?" Her words were slow.

"Know what, Em? Tell me."

"Tell you?" She laughed a high, brittle laugh, pulling out of his embrace.

He stared at her, recognizing a change in her. This wasn't his Emma and he didn't know what had transformed her.

"Please."

"I should tell you? When I was clearly the last to know."

He shook his head, a knot of fear growing in his belly.

"I don't know, Em."

"Un hunh, you don't know that you had sex with April Rhodes?" She let the words hang in the air.

"Are you asking me or telling me, Em?"

"Why? Were you thinking of telling me you didn't?" She felt sick.

His gaze held for a moment and then dropped to the floor.

"Shit. Em. It was before. We weren't together and I... I didn't think you'd need to know..."

"Oh, because it wasn't important." Emma nodded, her words sounded so calm, but he could see the tears she was holding back.

"Please, Em." He tried to take her hand. She pulled it away. "I thought you'd be insecure because we hadn't..."

"Oh. So it was my fault you couldn't be honest. You did it to protect me?"

"I didn't want to jeopardize us. What we have is too special." He ran his fingers through his hair, did she know that he meant it?

Emma laughed again. A laugh that wasn't a laugh.

"So special that you were sleeping with her the first few months we were dating?"

He closed his eyes. He didn't want to see the way she looked at him.

"I'm not good at being alone. Not like that. I was messed up...after Terri...and I needed to be close to someone. And we weren't together like that."

"Not together?"

"I don't mean that. Em, please. It was nothing."

"Really, Will? Or was our relationship nothing until we had sex?"

He looked at her. He didn't know how to tell her what she meant to him.

"Because it's all about sex, Will, isn't it?" Her words were more sad than angry.

He tried to reach out to touch her, but he dropped his hand. She didn't want that. And he didn't want to prove her point.

"I'm sorry, Emma."

She looked at him, a tear rolling down her cheek.

"I don't know what I'm meant to do with that, Will. You're sorry. And so am I. But are you even being honest with me now?"

"Em, I love you, I..." He wanted to marry her. He wanted to be with her forever. And she was right, she needed the truth, if they were to build a life together. "I had a...thing with Shelby." He saw it in her eyes, another wave of pain. He shouldn't have told her. "It was the briefest...it was nothing..."

"Nothing? It's all nothing to you, isn't it, Will?"

He shook his head. "That's not true, Em. Please can we just talk about this?"

"Talk? Don't you think we've talked enough? I don't want to know anything more." Her voice was eerily calm.

"Well, maybe not tonight, Em. Maybe tomorrow."

She didn't speak and he didn't know what to do.

"Shall I sleep on the couch? Or do you want me to go? I could stay at Shannon's? Do you want space?"

She nodded.

He got up. He wanted to reach out and touch her. Stroke her hair. Brush his lips against her cheek. Feel her arms go around his neck. But he knew that wasn't happening.

He picked up his bag, walked to the door and looked back at her. "I'll call you in the morning. We can talk then." When you've had some time.

She hadn't moved. He wished she'd throw a vase or something.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

Those were his last words to her.


	3. Chapter 3

_Thanks for the lovely reviews! They keep me motivated! Here's a short chapter to keep you going. I promise the story will get lighter and happier soon._

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She sat there as the light faded and the darkness grew. Was there any point turning on a light? Emma didn't need to see the home she'd shared with Will. Everything was familiar, safe. Or so she'd thought. The couch was where they'd watch movies. Lie cozily, their legs tangled, Will's hand stroking her hair. The dining table was the setting for romantic meals, of the kind she'd hoped one day soon might include a proposal. Had she really been that stupid? Those happy little fantasies she'd had of their life together, their future, had she really thought they'd come true? She was angry at herself now, as well as him.

She'd believed it. Believed it all and believed in him. But what if any of it had been real? The memories crowded in though she fought to push them away. A jumble of moments, pieces of their life that she could no longer make sense of. Will's smile the first time he arrived home to find she'd made dinner for them. Him carrying boxes of her possessions the day she moved in, taking a moment to rest them on the table, his hand snaking around her waist as she passed by. What happened next. The first time they made love. The way he'd lie next to her each morning, pretending to be asleep, in fact watching her wake up. How he cut the crusts off her sandwiches with such concentration, determined they'd be straight and even, perfect right angles until she teased him about his newly acquired OCD and he took to cutting them in fancy shapes with cookie cutters.

Emma gulped back the tears. She couldn't make sense of it. They'd been happy. Or at least she'd been happy. Truly happy for the first time in 32 years. And yet that was only because she didn't know the truth. Her skin crawled when she thought of making love to Will a mere day after he'd been with April. Had he even changed the sheets? She gasped. Each thought bringing with it another question worse than the one before.

She hadn't wanted to think about it in that detail. It was unbelievably sordid. But she knew the date of the concert and she remembered the night she'd first been with Will. She always would. God, what had he thought when she'd propositioned him on the stairway that morning at school? That he couldn't believe his luck? With women throwing themselves at him from all directions. And he was just there to lap it up.

Shit. She'd felt special, empowered, safe. Loved. She thought he wanted her, just her. That he'd waited for her. And that she'd waited for someone worth waiting for. Christ. But instead maybe she'd just acted like a slut. _Foreplay shall begin at 7.30 sharp_. No wonder he thought he could take advantage. She'd offered it up on a plate.

It was so confusing now to think back. To remember how it really was. Because it hadn't actually felt like that. Yes, she'd arrived at the apartment that night confident that she was going to take control of her body once and for all. But when she'd stood there in front of Will in her purple nightgown her resolve faltered. All her insecurities and anxieties flooded back. For a moment she thought she'd turn on her heel and run away but he grabbed her hand, the look he gave her calming her instantly. He held her to his chest until being close to him was all that mattered to her and they lay there for hours, just talking. He said it didn't matter, that she didn't have to go through with it. And she was sure that he meant it. So sure that when they'd kissed and touched and kissed some more, she was the one begging him to enter her.

After that night events ran together in her mind. The questions gathered like clouds warning of an impending storm. Everything had happened so fast. Had she decided to move in? Did he ask her? Or was she spending so much time at his apartment, sleeping over every night, that it happened as a matter of course? Did he even really want her there? Or was she a warm body in the night? There had been a lot of sex. April was right about that. It seemed once they started they couldn't stop. At school, at home, sometimes in between. She felt sick now thinking about it. The auditorium, Will's office, even the janitor's closet. She thought it was because they were so crazy in love, not because...because those were places Will was familiar with. Because it was what he did.

Emma couldn't take it any more. She needed fresh air. Maybe she should force herself to eat. Maybe she needed sleep. Maybe she just needed to leave. She didn't realize her legs were stiff until she tried to move them. She stretched them in front of her scattering the contents of her bag. The test kit looked bright in its white paper package in the dim light and she realized she hadn't even considered what she should do now.


	4. Chapter 4

Emma took the box in both hands examining it carefully. She stood in the middle of the bathroom. Did she want to know tonight? Could she really cope with such life altering news now? Amid all the uncertainty, all the questions massing in her head, she felt sure of one thing. This baby was still as wanted as it had been that morning when she left for work a tune running through her head and a secret smile that made Will ask her what was up. "I might tell you tonight if you're very lucky," was her teasing reply and the last normal conversation she had with him.

She took the stick out of the box, looking at it intently. This stick would change her life. And right then, in that minute, she wondered, if it wasn't positive, if she wasn't having the child she believed was already growing inside her then what would she do?

The messy steps completed, Emma stood with her watch held in front of her, the seconds counting down. She flipped the stick over on the paper towel to read the display. Pregnant. One word. A million feelings. The foremost was joy. The second relief.

She looked at herself in the mirror her hand hovering over her belly. She was going to be a mother. It was something she'd always wanted. But it had often seemed closer to dream than reality. If nothing else, her relationship with Will had given her this. And this stick, and the cells dividing inside her, were lasting proof of the love that had existed, even if it were only her love for him.

Emma knew this feeling she already had for the baby growing inside her was pure unadulterated love. _How was she meant to protect that here with Will?_

She knew when she saw him tomorrow she'd be filled with the same anger, the same despair that she'd felt today. _How could a child grow healthy and strong with all that resentment, all that pain?_

Emma looked in the mirror. She looked the same but she knew nothing would ever be the same again. If she stayed here in this apartment, how would it work? Would she let Will come home for the baby? _Just_ for the baby? Would they share a bed? Would they build a life together? Could they ever be truly happy when that life was built on lies? Or would she spend her life watching him? Looking out for lies. Waiting for him to deceive her again. She knew she couldn't live like that.

_But if she left where would she go? To her parents? Would they even have her? _

Just thinking about standing in front of her parents telling them she was pregnant made her feel like a sixteen year old girl who'd run off with her first boyfriend only to return home in trouble and all alone. In many ways she felt just as naive and foolish. She had thought her relationship with Will was forever. But her parents wouldn't support her, she knew that. They hadn't approved of her relationship with Will one bit. And she knew their conservative views would make it even harder for them to be there for her now.

She raised her chin and looked her reflection in the eye.

It didn't matter, anyway. This was a time for her to stand on her own. Soon she'd need to be responsible for two people. She could rent a place of her own. She was a grown up. She had a job.

But just thinking about going to work at McKinley made the tears sting her eyes. Seeing Will every day. Could she really do that? Watch him as he moved on to the next conquest on his list, while she grew bigger. Her swollen belly a clear sign to him and the world that she had expected more from him. That she had been duped.

Could she bear the look of pity in their eyes? The knowledge that she, Emma Pillsbury, celibacy club advisor had got herself knocked up by her less than committed and faithful boyfriend reflected back at her from every pair of eyes in the cesspool of gossip that was the McKinley faculty lounge. And then there were the hallways. The kids knew everything at McKinley. And if they knew everything then their parents would too. And Lima was not a big place.

She didn't want to run away. She didn't want to be a victim. But if she stayed here in Lima, she knew that's what she'd be. _Poor Ms. Pillsbury_. _She thought he loved her, you know._

She _had_ thought he loved her. But now what was he going to be? Her baby daddy? Collecting their child alternate weekends? Attending birthing classes with her? Or going to sonograms? The idea of Will seeing their baby for the first time on a screen in a cold doctor's office, next to her but not with her, was too much.

Emma sobbed. She couldn't bear it. She had loved him so much. She had wanted so much. But if she stayed in Lima, she'd have to bury this seething resentment, this heartache over Will's actions. And surely that would hurt her and her baby more. She needed to get away. Put some distance between herself and these feelings taking over her body, taking over her mind. And that meant putting distance between herself and Lima. There was no other way.

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_A/N: That light, happy direction I mentioned the story moving in...well, clearly it's not quite there yet. But if you're still reading and enjoying, and the only way I know that is if you're reviewing ;), then I promise I'll keep writing and it will get a little less angsty soon. Thank you for hanging in there._


	5. Chapter 5

Emma looked at Will, his head in his hands. She wanted to explain more to him than that one sentence.

She would if he wanted to hear. Sometime in the future when they could talk.

But now Zac was here, his head dipped contentedly playing with his toys, making little sound effects now and then for the revving engines. And she knew if she talked about that night any more, her son was sensitive enough to notice her distress.

Had she made a mistake bringing him to meet Will? On the very day Will learned of his existence. Perhaps she should have come alone or phoned Will first. But you can't tell a person they have a child over the phone. Emma knew she'd made mistakes though. The funny thing was that for mistakes they had all seemed like the only thing to do at the time.

Loving Will. Being with him. Having their baby. Well, she knew that couldn't be a mistake and yet her life had turned out so differently from how she'd intended.

But leaving Lima, raising their son without his father, she'd only recently been able to face up to the damage that might do. She could see now that she had hurt Will as well, and that hadn't been her intention, though he had hurt her too.

She wondered, did Will blame her for this? What was he thinking? She couldn't tell any more, if she ever could.

Will looked at Emma, sitting just a couple of feet away from him with her red hair, longer than it had been but still very definitely her, and her brown eyes, seemingly growing by the second. It was hard to believe she was really there. And even harder to believe what she was saying. It was strange, more like a dream with a cast of familar faces, Emma who had haunted his dreams since she'd left, and a child that he might easily have conjured up from his imagination.

The look she gave him was almost pleading but he didn't know what she wanted from him. She'd managed well enough until now. She didn't need him and she hadn't wanted him in her life. Had she brought their son to see him just to give him a tantalising glimpse of what their life might have been? And then to whisk him away? He hardly dared speak for fear they'd leave again. Just watching and soaking up every detail, in case this memory was all he ever had.

"I brought photos," she said suddenly,"so you can see...They're in here. Just a sec."

Emma rummaged in her bag, out came wipes, tiny sealed bags of snacks, a juice box. She turned to Zac. "Do you want some apple juice, baby?" The little boy nodded before slurping loudly through the straw. "And animal crackers?" She handed him a little bag and took a wipe out to swipe at his little hands before he could reach for a cracker.

Will found it strange to see Emma like that, organised but still more chaotic than he'd ever seen her and yet so calm. And, well, centered, he supposed was the word.

"This is Zac on his last birthday," she said quietly, handing him a photo. "And this is the day he was born." Her voice was barely a whisper.

"Can I see, Mommy?" asked Zac.

"Of course, sweetie. Just let your daddy look at them first."

"I..." words failed him. His brain was a mass of swirling thoughts. Emma. Their child. This baby in the photo. _Your daddy_.

Emma nodded. Her heart was heavy. She didn't need him to speak his thoughts out loud. She knew he must hate her for everything she had taken from him.

"We could let you have some time, Will," she said frowning.

_Time?_ he wondered. "Are you going? When will you be back?" He could hear the urgency in his own voice.

"We're just going to the motel. I-I thought we'd stay in Lima until tomorrow, so you can see Zac again if you want to."

_Want to? Was Emma really asking him that?_

"Okay, but when?"

"In the morning, we could meet and have breakfast, something like that." Something normal, she thought. Because this wasn't normal. She knew that.

"O-okay," his brain couldn't move on from this one thought. _He had a son_.

"Breadsticks, 9.30?" Emma asked, forcing a smile as she gathered Zac and his toys, the little boy's head lolling against her shoulder.

He nodded. It was probably a good idea for them to go now. Either that or Zac would be convinced he had a zombie for a father.

She turned away. And then back again to face him.

"Are you okay, Will? Do you, um, do you have anyone?" She wanted to bite the words back. "I-I meant to talk to." Will didn't look good. He didn't even look like he could get home okay.

He nodded.

But as she walked away she did wonder who that someone might be.

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_Thank you heaps for the reviews! If you're still enjoying the story and want more, please do keep them coming!_


	6. Chapter 6

Will just sat there, alone in the park, for a while. The photos clutched in his hand. He'd watched them get in Emma's car and drive away and now he had to look at the photos every now and then to prove that they'd been here at all.

The light was fading. He reached in his pocket for his phone and dialled.

"Shan?"

"Will, are you okay? Ya don't sound right." His old friend knew him well.

"Can I come over?"

"Ya know you're always welcome, Will."

He found himself on Shannon's porch just as he had that night three years ago. This time when he knocked on her door there were a fistful of photos held in his hand.

"Will, buddy. Ya look like a ghost."

Shannon eyed him carefully as he walked into her lounge.

"Want a beer?"

He nodded and sat down on her couch, wordlessly.

Shannon frowned when she handed him the bottle, slick with condensation. Will definitely wasn't himself.

"You okay, Will?"

He looked up at her, surprised to see her there.

"I'm a father."

Her first thought was it was one of those blondes, in that phase after Emma left. The women who'd hang around him at Rosalita's, feeding off his loneliness and confusion, all fake concern and boobs and offers of support. Of course, she knew her friend well, and she knew Will had accepted "support" on quite a few occasions.

"Are you sure the kid's yours, Will?"

First Terri, and now some parasite who saw a guy like Will as a meal ticket and free child care.

Will's face registered surprise. He shook his head.

"It's Emma." He stated it simply, as though it answered her question.

Shannon blew out her cheeks. That was not what she'd been expecting.

"Emma?" She sat down heavily on the couch. "But she's been gone three years, Will."

"I know" was his only answer.

She remembered the night he'd turned up on her doorstep, clearly upset, pacing her lounge, one moment on the verge of leaving, the next stock still, asking her what he should do.

"She loves you, Will. You guys are meant to be. Once this silly argument blows over, you'll be back to your normal lovey dovey ways in no time." She'd laughed. It seemed like nonsense. It was clear to anyone in a five mile radius that they belonged together.

Of course, her friend hadn't been entirely honest about the cause of the disagreement. She'd believed him then when he'd said Emma was upset about someone in his past. Emma was sensitive, maybe a little insecure, it was understandable that she might get worked up over that. People do.

But when it didn't all blow over, when Will returned to her house the next morning, to the couch on which he'd slept, ashen faced and mumbling the words "she left" over and over, when the days past and then weeks, Will walking around the halls of McKinley like a man who'd lost everything he owned, then she knew it must be something more.

She'd press him sometimes when he'd talk about Emma but he never wanted to talk about that night. He'd get this look in his eye that told her there was something more, something he was ashamed of. He mentioned April once too, staggering back from the bar one night. When she asked him again, he swore that was long ago but Shannon was smart enough when it came to Will to know that might not be true.

She'd held a torch for him for a while, never told him that though. And over the years she'd come to realize that she was probably lucky not to go there. She'd seen him flirt with enough girls in bars to know that they couldn't have survived that. They were better off as friends. She still loved him. Just not in that way. And she'd hurt for him bad when Emma had gone and she'd had to watch him suffer. She'd been mad at her too. Will was Will and if Emma didn't know that, didn't recognize the great guy he was, then she didn't deserve him. She couldn't help that ball of anger growing in her gut when she thought of what this meant, if it were true.

Emma would have taken this child from Will. Taken everything he'd wanted, and she couldn't think of a good enough reason for that.

"Still, do you really know it's yours, Will?" Maybe it would be better if it weren't, then he wouldn't have lost so much.

He looked up at her then and she could see in his eyes that it wouldn't be better.

"It's a boy. I have a son."

"But why now, Will? Why tell you now?" She spread her hands. "Does she want money? Someone to look after the kid? Is it all too much?" She knew Emma found a lot of things tough. Maybe raising a child was too hard with her issues. She'd always liked her timid friend but she couldn't understand her actions. And she couldn't help it, when it came to Will she was always going to be protective.

"His name's Zac." Will shook his head. "And I don't think it's like that. She seems to be coping fine." He paused. "In fact she's amazing. And God, Shan, you should see him." His voice was choked with wonder.

She just nodded as Will described the little boy, pausing often to stare at the photos he held. There was nothing else she could say, nothing that wouldn't rain on his parade at least, but she hoped to God it would work out okay. She didn't know if he could survive another loss like this.

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_Thanks for the reviews. I hope you like this chapter...let me know ;)_


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: Just a quick response to those who are finding Emma unsympathetic in this story. I'm trying to portray both Will and Emma as human, flawed and fallible. To me they are all those things but not bad people. We're all capable of hurting the people we love the most without intending to, sometimes we even hurt them knowing that we are but unable to stop ourselves all the same. Emma may be a little out of character here but when you remember that in the show she's someone who has married or almost married two men in an attempt to deal (not deal) with her feelings for Will and been capable of leaving Will at the altar then I don't think this storyline is so farfetched. I'd like to make it clear too that this story is set in season one where Emma and Will's relationship was very new and intended to explore what would have happened if they had thrown themselves headlong into that new relationship at that point, in particular how Emma would have dealt with Will's infidelity when she'd given so much of herself so early, making herself vulnerable in a way she'd never felt able to before. And, of course, in this story Emma's having to deal with the very intense experience of having a child at the same time as being hurt and betrayed. This is a story about mistakes, misunderstandings, uncertainty and insecurity, the things that go unsaid and the damage that betrayal does. That said, thanks so much to those who are enjoying the story and encouraging me to carry on with it. I hope you're still enjoying the ride ;)_

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Will watched the two of them side by side eating from their plates of fruit. Their methods could not be more opposite. Emma held each berry carefully, examining the shape and size, before popping it delicately into her mouth. Zac crammed fistfuls of berries into his mouth in one go, some of them didn't even make it, but the little boy didn't seem to notice that or the berry juice dripping from his fingers.

Mid-mouthful with one hand pushing fruit into his mouth, Zac reached his other hand across the tabletop to Will's plate of cookies.

"I can see you," Emma said, eyeing her son, a slight smile playing across her lips.

Zac turned his head to look at her.

"Yes, you," she grinned at him.

"Can I have a cookie, Mommy?"

"If you finish your fruit first, and if Will says you can."

Zac looked up at Will, with a look so heartrending that he knew he'd say yes to anything his son asked him. He nodded.

At that Zac proceeded to mash berries into his mouth at impressive speed, cleaning his plate. Will could only watch him in awe. Then he was holding his empty hands out to Emma for inspection. His little berry stained fingers a mere inch or less from the bright white bow on her top and she didn't even flinch.

"Good baby." She smiled at him and he grinned back, lunging forward then, planting a red stained mouth over hers.

Emma laughed, removing his drool from her cheek with a paper napkin and then wiping his hands.

Will offered his cookies to Zac, who stared intently at the plate and then examined each cookie in turn, looking for the biggest or the one with the most chocolate chips, Will wasn't sure. All he could think was would he and Zac ever have that ease? Could they get that now? Or was the chance for that relationship gone? Was he just going to be some guy they went for a meal with now and then? Who gave Zac cookies and asked him how school was going?

"Are you okay, Will?" Emma's voice brought him out of his thoughts. Zac was sitting in front of a plate covered in cookie crumbs, a smear of chocolate around his mouth, joining the red and blue juice stains.

He nodded. He wasn't really sure what to say. He hadn't slept much.

"Can I go see the doggy, Mommy?" Zac was watching a little golden labrador pup by the entrance as intently as he'd been focusing on the cookies. As closely as Emma was watching Will now.

"I don't know, Zac-Zac, we're still having breakfast," she looked back at Will, reconsidering. "If you promise not to stroke him, just look, then you can. Do you understand?"

His little head nodded as Emma picked him up, lifting him over her lap and into the aisle of the restaurant. Zac smiled and walked slowly towards the puppy.

"Will, are you going to be okay with this?" Emma spoke carefully, her voice low, one eye on Zac, the other on him. "If you can't do this you need to let me know. If you can't be a part of Zac's life then please tell me now."

He shook his head, bewildered. Of course he wanted to be a part of Zac's life, of their lives.

"I don't expect you to take it all on, Will, I know you didn't choose this but if we could make it work for Zac. If you could just see him sometimes, send a card on his birthday, it would mean a lot." She knew her tone sounded desperate.

As afraid as she'd been of this whole situation, of how she'd deal with it, the possibility of sharing Zac, as much as she'd been wary of it, she needed this now. She'd had to face the fact that Zac _wanted_ a father, already, and he had one, she was the one who'd kept them apart. She couldn't contemplate what would happen if he found that out when he was older. If she hadn't at least tried. Silently she begged Will to come through for her then.

"Would you like to see him again?" she asked cautiously.

"You think I wouldn't?" Will was stunned.

"I-I don't know, Will, I don't know what you're thinking." Was he mad at her? He had a right to be but this was hard enough. Seeing him again. Fighting back all those old feelings, worrying about the effect of it all on Zac, wondering how they'd make this work. Being terrified that it wouldn't.

"Of course I want to see him, Em."

"You do?" a faint smile crossed her face. Could they do this? Could she fix this for Zac? Could she stop him from growing up hating her?

"Yes. Just tell me when. Tell me where."

She reached in her bag for a piece of paper.

"This is our address, and our phone number, and my cell. You could come next weekend, if you'd like."

"Yes." He wanted to ask if he could come sooner. Was he allowed to impose like that? Take it slow, said the cautious voice in his head. Just one step at a time.

He turned, following Emma's gaze. Zac was what was important. The little boy stood crouched down near the puppy, his hands well back but Will could tell he was struggling not to stroke the dog.

"Zac," Emma called his name and he looked over. She shook her head and he gave her a smile that said he was almost caught in the act. She recognized it. It was the smile Will had when you asked "Where did the cookies go?"

Some things she remembered like yesterday. It was strange to be so close to Will again, sitting right across the table, his leg almost touching hers. And a plate of cookies in front of him. Breakfast cookies. His diet was just the same. And yet you couldn't tell. His body was probably still as taut and muscular, Emma thought, underneath the clothes he wore. She flushed when she noticed him watching her watching him. She did not want to be thinking these things.

"Ah, we should probably be leaving soon, Will." There was a note of apology in her voice. "We have a long drive and...and I have to get everything organized for school tomorrow." It was true but she was nervous too and unsure how much more she could take. "We can, uh, come for longer next time." It had to get easier. It had to. She needed to do this for Zac.

"You -," Will stopped. He wanted to ask if they had to go. But she wouldn't have said it if they didn't. He didn't want to make things more awkward. She'd said 'next time'. There would be a next time. "You should get going then, I guess. I'll get the check." He sounded strange even to himself. It was like he'd lost the ability to talk normally.

"Will, you don't have to. I'll get it." Emma rummaged in her bag. It felt like the worst kind of date.

But Will already had their server's attention and his billfold in his hand.

"Thank you." She smiled weakly. _If they could just make this work_.

She beckoned to Zac.

"It's time to go, baby. Do you want to give Will a hug?"

The little boy smiled shyly and wriggled behind her on the seat.

"You're not usually this shy, Zac," she tried to cover. She hadn't thought Zac would respond like that. "He's really not usually like this. He's really good with strangers."

She flushed bright red at her tactless choice of words. The last thing she'd meant to do was call Will a stranger.

"I-," she didn't know what to say.

Will nodded slowly.

"It's okay. He...he really doesn't know me." His voice was flat, his emotions contained within.

Emma lowered her head, trying to hide the fact that she was blinking back tears, as she collected their things. She reached blindly for Zac's hand and found his small comforting presence.

"I'll walk you to your car."

She just nodded, guiding Zac between the tables in the restaurant, Will following behind.

When they reached the car, she let Zac into the back and he climbed in to his carseat. She busied herself doing up the harness, double checking it was secure. Then she had no choice but to turn and look at Will, but she couldn't look him in the eye. She was staring at his plaid shirt when he leaned in towards her. She wasn't sure if he was about to whisper in her ear, tell her that what she'd done was unforgiveable, that he'd make sure Zac knew that or leaning in to kiss her the way he always would. She lifted her arms almost as reflex, warding off the unexpected and it ended up as an awkward half embrace half self-defence move, with his lips brushing her hair and her chin banging his shoulder.

She didn't know what it meant and he didn't know why he'd done it. None of this felt real.

Will waved as Emma got in the driver's seat. Zac waved back through the window, his little hand clutched around an action figure. And then Will watched them drive away, almost as though in slow motion. It felt like a dream.

He looked down at the piece of paper. Emma's handwriting. Her address. The first time he'd known where she was for three years. The piece of paper was real. They were real.


	8. Chapter 8

Emma blinked back the tears. She was driving down the same stretch of road that she'd traveled that night. Leaving Lima again.

She glanced in the rearview mirror at Zac in his carseat, happily occupied with his superhero action figures. Last time he'd been safe in her belly. She almost wished she could have kept him there, protected from all the hurt the world could bring.

When she'd traveled this road that night three years ago, she'd cried for her. She'd cried for the heartache Will had caused and for the dreams that wouldn't come true. This time the tears were for her son. For the pain that she had brought his way. She couldn't bear the thought of Will rejecting him. She hoped he could love Zac the way he couldn't love her. Her baby boy deserved that. But what if Will couldn't love him? Didn't want to love him? All she'd ever wanted was to protect her child but one way or another she couldn't protect him from this.

She'd been so afraid of telling Will about their baby. Afraid of everything that might happen. Of Will wanting custody, having to face him and everything that happened between them. But now she was more frightened that he wouldn't want their son in his life. Frightened for Zac and for herself. How would Zac ever forgive her? _But then how would Will?_

The sun shone through the windscreen. Everything looked bright today. A complete contrast to the darkness she had traveled through before. That night was a blur but she remembered the way the tears would come, sobs racking her body, and when she couldn't see through the tears, she'd had to pull over until it passed. She'd found herself sitting in the dark, all alone, and wondering where she was going. That was when she realized. It didn't matter where she went. She just needed to find somewhere to rest. Her baby needed sleep. Her baby needed food and calm and most of all her baby needed _her_. She couldn't feel him and she couldn't see him but this tiny new life inside her was relying on her. And whatever it took she had to do it.

So she stopped driving, found a motel and a late night truckstop. She drank whole milk and ate a sandwich from their refridgerated display. In the pharmacy aisle she foud pre-natal vitamins, the bottle she'd bought the week before left behind in the pantry in Lima. She wondered if Will would ever notice them and what he would think if he did. She lay her head that night on sheets she hadn't washed and she slept in spite of that, her body weary from emotion.

When she woke, she focused only on what this new life she was bringing into the world needed. She had no room for tears and no time for regrets. She needed a place to live and a job. And though she'd planned to run far, she ended up living just where she'd stopped driving. It turned out it was a nice town. She'd driven around it that morning, sunshine filtering through watery clouds, and she liked what she saw. There were parks and a tidy looking elementary school, even a high school where she might find work. She thought it might be fate. And when it came down to it, Emma Pillsbury was not an intrepid traveler. She wasn't going to run away to Mexico, where Will could never find her. She'd lived in Ohio her whole life, Ohio people were all she'd ever known. When she looked at a map, she could see that she'd almost made it to the state border, and it struck her that perhaps she'd been pushed as far as she could go and still survive. Perhaps this was far enough.

So she found herself living in a little town, in a small wooden house with a white picket fence. And she had a job at the local high school. Most importantly she'd found a way to cope. She'd found the strength to raise her son, build a home for them and ensure he felt loved. And she'd held herself together all the while. No OCD relapses. From somewhere she'd found the strength. Mainly because her baby needed her. Zac had needed her to be strong then as he did now. He needed her to build a relationship with his father. There was no going back and no giving up.

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Emma smiled glancing back at Zac in his carseat. His hands were still gripped around his action figures even in his sleep. As their journey went on, his eyelids had slowly grown heavy and his little voice singing his made up songs had grown quiet in the back of the car. He was so peaceful like this. As she pulled into the driveway of their little painted house, she almost felt bad that she would have to wake him so she took a moment just to watch him and take in their home here in Elmwood.

She'd moved in a week after she'd arrived in town, when the owner of the guest house she'd been staying in advised her there was a house up for rent. It was the house she'd brought Zac home to from the hospital, to a nursery she'd spent the preceding months decorating, whenever she wasn't busy with work. It helped with the loneliness and helped her focus on the future and all the wonderful things that were to come. If she didn't keep busy there was a danger those thoughts of what she'd left behind would take over. Sometimes in the night when she was alone in her bed they crept in. For someone who had spent so many nights of her life on her own, she had got used to the presence of another with surprising speed. It had felt strange for a while to hear only her own breathing, unsettling to not feel someone else's heartbeat close to her in the dark. It helped when she felt her belly swell, then she knew she wasn't all by herself. She'd rest her hands gently either side of her stomach, waiting to feel some movement. When she first felt Zac kick it took her breath away. She wished then she had someone to share it with. But there were a million things to do to prepare for the arrival of a new baby. Child proofing, cribs, strollers, clothes to buy. As she got bigger the work got slower, but she liked that feeling that she always had someone with her and her heart wasn't breaking when she thought about her baby. A baby who would very imminently arrive. When she brought him home to this house, those early days had been intense. Every day brought something new, incredible, sometimes terrifying. The bond between them strengthened though she hadn't imagined that could be true. When she looked back, sometimes, like now, it seemed as though she'd never had a moment to reflect. Perhaps she hadn't wanted to, but then there was always something to take care of.

As if on cue, Zac started making little movements and quietly mumbling "Mommy" over and over. Emma got out the car and opened his door. She stroked his cheek gently and whispered in his ear.

"Zac, we're home. Time to wake up, baby."

He opened his eyes and smiled at her, then got a contorted look on his face. "Mommy, I need to wee."

She nodded, understanding, and swiftly undid his restraints. "I'm hurrying, baby, I'm hurrying. We'll get you there."

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Will knew they must be home by now. He wondered what they were doing. A phone call to make sure wouldn't hurt, would it? Was it too much? He dialed anyway and listened to the phone ringing at the other end. Would she pick up?

"Hi, Emma, it's...it's Will."

"Yes, I know."

Her voice was soft. Of course, she knew his voice. Now he didn't know what to say. He should have planned it out.

"Do you want a word with Zac?"

Little feet on floorboards.

"Hi." A tiny voice in his ear.

"Hi Zac."

Will paused. What else could he say?

"Did you see lots of red cars on your journey?"

"Hundreds."

"I love you." The words came out in a rush. He hadn't thought to say them out loud. It was as though they'd forced their own way out.

"Bye."

What else had he expected a toddler to say?

"Will?"

His breath caught in his throat.

"Are you there?"

"Yes."

"I-I've got to go. I'm just running Zac's bath and I've got his food on the stove."

"Yes." Where were the words now?

"We'll see you Saturday?"

It was a question.

"Yes." At least he'd answered right.

"Bye, Will."

"Bye," he said. His voice sounded far away. Far away like the world of baths and mac and cheese and small feet running on floor boards.


	9. Chapter 9

Will unpacked his lunch. Two large cookies and a sandwich. He tucked into the cookies first while he opened the package that had arrived from Amazon that morning. The cover of the book was shiny, "How to Be the Best Parent You Can Be" in large letters across the front. He hoped it lived up to the title. He needed all the help he could get. He was flicking through the chapters, a cookie, forgotten, held between his teeth, as he wondered where you should start when you had a toddler not a newborn to bring home from the hospital. Should he have bought a book on adoption instead?

"So, Will," Sue's voice cut through the quiet of the teachers' lounge, "are you trying to figure out how to better parent that ragtag bunch of misfit teens you call a glee club or have you actually found a woman who'll let you impregnate her with your curly haired spawn?"

He carried on reading. He'd learnt to ignore Sue over the years but despite his lack of response, or because of it, she leaned in and whispered in his ear.

"If you have, you better hold on to this one or you'll lose her like that ginger pygmy you tried to mate with."

He knew that was Sue's deal. She was always looking for a way to get in a person's head, to get the upper hand and with him Emma was an easy shot. He knew it showed on his face that she'd hit home with that remark but he did his best to pretend it didn't effect him. Right now, though, that subject was as raw as ever.

Shannon had seen Sue talking to Will from her position at the noticeboard but couldn't hear what she was saying to him. Chances are it wasn't helpful. That woman couldn't help herself and Shannon gave her a cold stare as she passed.

"Will, buddy, just ignore her." She put a hand on his shoulder. She glanced down at what he was reading and nodded in the direction of the book. "She been givin' ya a hard time about becoming a dad?"

"I-I haven't told anyone yet, Shan." He sighed and put the book down.

"Anyone?"

He shook his head, running his hand through his hair. He looked stressed.

"Don't ya think you should start telling people?"

"I just...I'm just about getting used to the idea myself, Shan. I don't think I can deal with everyone else wanting to know about Zac too. I-I don't really have any answers."

"When are you seeing him again?"

"Saturday." She watched his hand raking his hair, his foot tapping. He was more nervous than the run up to Nationals.

"That's good isn't it?"

"Yeah...it's great. I just...I'm worried Shan. What if I I'm not a good dad? What if I just...don't know how to be a father?"

"Will, you're gonna be just fine. I know it, okay?"

He grabbed his bag and rifled through some papers, pulling out print outs and catalogs.

"I got him this toy fort. And a little guitar." He flicked through a catalog pointing at one page after another. "I got him a racing car bed too. It's red. And some rocket ship wallpaper. I'm going to hang it tomorrow afternoon. And then..."

She put her large hand over his.

"Will, he's going to love you just because you're his dad." She looked him in the eye. "You don't need to do all of this. Okay?"

He shook his head. "I just want him to know that he matters. That I always loved him, even before I met him. And that I'm going to be there for him from now on."

She could see the tears in her friend's eyes and she could feel a lump forming in her own throat. It was a good thing they were the only two left in the teachers' lounge.

"You need to take it easy though, Will, okay? He's just a little kid and you don't want to overwhelm him." She couldn't say what she thought. That she didn't want Will to expect too much, to get hurt.

He nodded.

"And do you actually know if Emma will let him come stay with you? That might not happen for a while, you know." Emma had kept the kid away from him for nearly three years. Did he really think she'd be letting him have sleepovers with a father he didn't know?

"I don't know." Will shook his head, the weight of it all clearly taking its toll. "Maybe it's best Shan. I mean, Emma's been doing this parenting thing. She knows what to do. And I'm just reading books." He flicked the parenting manual with disgust.

"Hey, I didn't mean that. I know you can do this, Will."

"I'm not sure I do. I've kind of screwed up Zac's life so far."

"Will, what's that about? What are you blaming yourself for?"

He sighed again, deeper this time and looked across at his friend. There was a reason he hadn't told her the truth. He hadn't wanted to see the same look of disappointment in her eyes that he'd seen in Emma's.

"I cheated on her. April...I..." He didn't finish. He didn't think he needed to.

Shannon's face registered the sort of surprise he hadn't wanted to see.

"Will," there was condemnation in her tone, as he knew there should be.

Emma had been sweet and kind and trusting. And he'd screwed up.

"I don't know why..." It still seemed incredible to him that he'd acted that way. And it was worse now knowing everything that he might have had.

"Shit," Shannon shook her head. He knew his friend didn't mince her words. She must be holding back. Probably felt too sorry for him right now.

"And that's why she left?"

"Yeah," he sighed again. "You see it's all my fault, Shan."

She kicked the leg of the table. She didn't really want to look at him right now but at the same time her friend was in a bad way and she knew he didn't have anyone else. Any other time, she'd have been shouting at him by now. He deserved it.

She knew he was a flirt but to lie and cheat. She'd expected better from him.

"She loved you, Will. Didn't you know that?" Maybe she was speaking for herself a little too. She'd thought so much more of Will than that.

"I did." His voice was sad. "I really can't explain..." He trailed off. He wasn't sure why he'd told her now. Guilt maybe. Just the need to get it off his chest. Maybe he was hoping for forgiveness, but he knew he was looking in the wrong place.

"I guess I get why she left now, or at least why she wanted to." She kind of wanted to leave herself. Will didn't seem like the same guy she thought he was a minute ago. Her friend who she trusted. In a strange way she felt betrayed, but she knew that wasn't anything compared to what Emma must have felt.

"You know, I really thought you wanted to be with her. Marriage, the whole works."

"I...I thought I did too..but not nearly as much as I wanted that when she'd gone." He fiddled with his coffee cup. "Shan, I think I just took her for granted, like she'd be waiting there when I worked through all that stuff with Terri...when I'd gotten over the idea that I'd wasted my entire adult life on a relationship that was poisonous...I thought she'd still be there, ready to start a life with me, when I was ready to do that."

"But it was Emma, Will. She might have done that if she'd known, but...not like that." Shannon knew Emma was inexperienced to say the least when they'd started dating. Hell, he was her first boyfriend, her first kiss, her first everything. A lie like that would hit her hard.

"I just..."she couldn't hold back entirely,"I just think you really did a number on her, Will."

He looked awful but she didn't know how else to say it. He'd fucked up and he was going to have to sort it.

"Is that...is that why you didn't go after her Will?" She'd always wondered. There seemed to have been a point at which Will had just let her go.

"Maybe. I mean I tried at first. Her parents wouldn't tell me anything and I couldn't find her...I guess after a while I just thought she deserved better, you know, that she'd be better off without me."

"Have you guys even talked about this?"

He shook his head. "It's all been about Zac."

She blew out her cheeks, thinking hard. It's not like she was a counselor or anything.

"Maybe that's best for now. You focus on Zac. Show him you want to be his dad." She nodded again, this sounded right. "Show Emma that you'll be there to support her too and that she can rely on you for help and then...down the line...when things are more stable, you two talk about this. Clear the air."

"But what if it's still true? That they'd both be better off without me."

"Will, my friend, whatever happened then, I know this - you're a good man. You're kind and you're caring and that little boy is lucky to have you as a father."

"I just feel so fucking guilty, Shan. Like he'll know that I didn't really want him, not then...not enough."

"But you do now?"

"I do," he nodded. "Like nothing else matters."

"Then you just show him that, Will. You'll be a good dad, you just have to put all this aside. And Emma, maybe she'll never forgive you, but she's back and you're talking. That's all you need for now, at least for Zac."

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_Thanks for your reviews! We're getting there, I promise._


	10. Chapter 10

Will stood outside the little white house, leaning against his car. He looked around. He was early.

He hadn't slept much and unusually he'd been awake long before his alarm went off. Setting off ahead of schedule, in case there was traffic or he got a flat tire or there was some other unforeseen hold up, seemed like the sensible thing to do. He really didn't want anything to get in the way of his time with Zac. In the event, the journey was smooth and he'd already had time to drive around town and check it out. It seemed nice, the town and the neigborhood both, and now he was here, in front of their house, early, with time to kill. He could see that Emma had given Zac a proper home. The little two-story house had a front porch, there was a tricycle by the door and around the side of the house he could see a small backyard with a swing set and slide. Would he have been able to give Zac all this? He still lived in the same apartment he'd shared with Terri. Maybe Zac really had done better without him.

He heard the door open and saw a flash of red hair.

"Will?" Emma's voice.

He took a few steps towards the door.

"Sorry I'm early...should I come back in a bit?"

"No, it's okay, come in," she stepped aside, as she opened the door, and he could see that she was dressed in a baggy t-shirt and sweatpants, her hair pulled back in a ponytail. It wasn't a look he'd ever seen on her before.

He felt bad. She wasn't expecting him this early and he didn't want her to think he was deliberately ignoring her plans but she smiled at him as she closed the door behind them.

"Zac's going to be so excited you're here already," she said, and it sounded, he thought, like she meant it. "He was just..." She frowned at the pile of legos in the middle of the floor, "building a..."

Her eyes moved to the corner of the room and she pointed wordlessly in the direction of a heap of cushions that were moving.

"Well, I guess Zac went out or something...maybe he had errands to run." Her voice was teasing and her eyes were encouraging Will to join in on the joke.

But all Will could think was surely this wasn't a good sign that his son was hiding from him. Emma sensed Will's discomfort. She hoped it didn't mean he didn't want to be here. She hoped it didn't mean he just couldn't do this.

She tiptoed towards the cushions. "I guess I'll just tidy these up then." There were giggles as she lifted the cushions, and Will saw a flash of red and blue as Zac ducked away behind the couch.

Emma turned to Will, an exaggerated sigh and her hands on her hips, as she shook her head, "I guess Zac really isn't home then." But the look on his face made her think again. Perhaps Zac's game just wasn't amusing to him. She bit her lip.

"Zac, baby, come out please. Will came to see you."

Red hair and big eyes came into view around the corner of the couch. She beckoned. "Enough of the game, sweetie, come out now."

Zac grinned as he moved out from behind the furniture, edging slowly towards them, and then sidling up to Emma, hanging onto her leg and hiding his body behind her.

Will crouched down, trying to get to the same height as his son, standing there in his Superman pajamas.

"Hi Zac," he looked at his child looking back at him. Did he remember that they'd met the week before? "I thought maybe we could have a play." He smiled. Hopefully Zac would at least recognize that Will wanted to be his friend.

The little boy smiled back at him, shyly now, but didn't say a word. Emma ruffled his hair.

"Hey, Zac-Zac, why are you all shy now? You've been looking forward to Will coming." She'd been talking about the upcoming visit with him every day, trying to give him a sense of what to expect and more than that really, the idea that he had a father out there, even if he didn't see him every day.

She looked at Will. "He woke up at 5 this morning he was so excited." The way her eyes went wide, her wrinkled brow, the way she nodded her head for emphasis. The surroundings might be different, the outfit and the situation, but that was the Emma he remembered. She meant what she said.

Will turned back to his son, his little head resting against his mother's thigh, arms wrapped tightly around her leg. "Hey, buddy, would you show me your cars?"

The small head nodded back. Will smiled in return and watched his son as he went over to his toybox and solemnly picked out all his toy cars lining them up in a neat row. Will scooted closer, still on his knees and Zac started going through a description of his favorite vehicles. Will just watched and listened. His voice was soft and whispery in places, coming fast and breathy when he was excited. His big eyes would flick up to watch Will watching him and then back to the cars he was talking about. And all the time Will just nodded, and listened, his attention so fixed on Zac that he didn't notice when Emma left the room.

...

She'd wanted this. But seeing them together now, Zac's tiny figure next to Will's playing on their living room floor, there were so many emotions.

From the very beginning it was just the two of them. It had always been that way. She'd brought Zac home from the hospital and watched him as he slept in his crib. And from that moment on it was just her and Zac. All the night feeds and diaper changes, the first steps and first words. The first few months of his life every waking moment was spent with her. And it was easy then to believe that she was the only one he needed. It was her arms that comforted him when he cried and her body that fed him. The sound of her heartbeat that made him feel safe and her face that he looked for every morning. The bond between them was so strong, their world so complete with just the two of them, it was easy to forget that there was anyone else outside who mattered.

When she did remember, in that heady intense time, that Will was out there, that he was Zac's father, she told herself that her baby had everything he needed and that in fact to complicate things then, to tell Will and bring him and all the stress and emotion that would inevitably come with him, would only be bad for Zac right now, as tiny and dependent as he was. She didn't feel like she had any energy to devote to anyone or anything else, not without taking it away from where her focus should be - with her child.

As time went by though, and it passed so quickly - before she knew it Zac was talking and walking then looking like a real little boy, she'd known that it was only a matter of _when_ she told Will not if. There were nights when, in the darkness, she'd lie awake and imagine what the two of them would have been like together, their interactions, _their_ bond, and she'd ask herself that question over and over: what would Will do? Would he ask for joint custody? Would he try to take Zac away from her? Could he do that? Could she risk it? She'd tell herself that was impossible, full custody. She was a good mother. But even the thought of Zac spending part of the time away from her was more than she could handle. He was so little. Surely she could wait a little longer.

But then a month ago, Zac had said something. He was in the back of the car, she'd just picked him up from a play date at his friend's house and she could see him in his car seat in the rearview mirror as she drove them home, when inbetween his excited recounting of the game they had played, suddenly Zac asked, "Why does Josh have a daddy?"

She remembered being so shocked that she couldn't answer for a minute. She hadn't expected this yet, though she realized she should have seen the signs. The little look Zac would get on his face when a father was mentioned in a story or on one of his tv shows, the quiet way he watched Josh's father when he came to pick the little boy up from their house.

And the implied question hung in the air. Why does Josh have a daddy and I don't?

Her mouth started moving without forming any words, and then from somewhere she'd found the ability to haltingly deliver the explanation that "some people just have mommies...and some people have mommies and daddies and... some people just have daddies, sweetie, does that make sense?"

He'd nodded at her but he didn't look entirely sure, which was fair considering she'd rather glossed over some of the essential truths.

For a week she didn't do anything. She thought about picking up the phone, dialing Will's number but she couldn't do it. Another week of sleepless nights, in which she tossed and turned and imagined where they'd be five years from now or ten, when Zac was still asking her about this. What would happen when he wanted a driver's license or a passport, when he asked her why there was no name under 'father' on his birth certificate. What would happen when he found out Will was there all this time, just a few hours away, living his life without even knowing his son existed. Fear had stopped her from telling Will before, had been her reason for holding off. She'd just wanted a few months she told herself, a year maybe, just a little longer of knowing where her baby would be sleeping, that he would be there close to her. She'd get stronger she told herself. He'd be more grown up. The idea would be less frightening.

But each morning, when she'd wake Zac up and he'd open his eyes, she could see the love he had for her. He'd smile so wide and reach his arms out, as he did every morning, excited to see her, saying her name. She couldn't bear the idea that that love might be replaced by something else. How would he feel about her when he found out that she'd hidden this from him? Lied to him. She couldn't hold off forever. That way she'd certainly lose him for good. She wasn't ready for this but if she did it now, she told herself, then he might not remember, not properly at least. Or if she could make sure he had a good relationship with Will, the best she could, then he wouldn't blame her, he wouldn't feel so hurt. She told herself that over and over, repeating it in her head even as she'd waited for Will to pick up the phone.

"Hi. Emma?" Will's voice behind her, uncertain and unfamiliar in this space.

Her hands were shaking a little when she looked down at them and she wiped a tear from her cheek before turning to face Will.

She smiled at him. Did it look genuine she wondered? Or as wobbly as it felt.

"Zac asked if he could have a drink."

"Yes, un hunh, of course. He can, yes."

"Okay, I'll..." Will gestured back to the living room.

"Of course, yes, you.." Her voice faded and she just nodded, then busied herself tidying the counter and fixing Zac's drink as Will left.

Emma clipped the lid on Zac's favorite sippee cup - one from the movie Cars - and took a deep breath, but when she reached the doorway she had to pause again. The sight of the two of them together, kneeling on the floor, Will's head leaning into Zac's as they both raced the cars around the track made her stop. This was how it was meant to be. How it should have been all along.


	11. Chapter 11

Will watched Zac take the cup from Emma with both hands and slurp the juice thirstily. Everything he did was amazing, Will thought, he could just watch him for hours.

His hand quickly back on his favorite red toy car, Zac pushed the cup aside and fixed his attention back on his game, running it along making little revving noises.

Emma stroked his hair gently. "Baby, shall we go get you dressed, so that you can go out and play?"

Will wondered how the little boy would respond, intent as he was on his game, but he turned and gave his mother a sunny smile and nodded, jumping up and grabbing her legs.

"We'll just be five minutes, Will, is that okay?"

He nodded and watched the two of them climb the stairs, Zac making slow work ahead of Emma, as she waited patiently for him to climb each step. And then he was alone, taking in his surroundings properly for the first time. This was where his son lived. where Emma had lived for these years when he didn't even know where she was. It was cozy. Neat but not nearly as tidy as he'd thought Emma's house would be. There were a lot of toys, some of them strewn around the living room, a comfy looking couch and shelves full of books.

He got up and peeked through into the kitchen. The refrigerator was covered in Zac's finger paintings and other artworks. It looked bright and warm. A far cry from his apartment. When he turned around, he realized there was a wall of photos behind him, all of Zac. As a baby, a tiny newborn with his fist clenched around what looked like a giant finger, Emma's he presumed. Sitting in a high chair, food splattered from head to toe laughing at the camera. In front of a cake with one candle, his little hands grabbing fistfuls of frosting. All these moments Will hadn't been present for. He just stood there trying to take these memories all in.

He was still looking at the photos when Emma came down the stairs, holding Zac's hand.

"Will?" Her eyes were wide, perhaps even fearful as she followed his gaze.

Will turned to look at them, so lost in this past unlived that he was almost surprised to see a little boy in front of him, in place of the baby on the wall.

He could tell that she seemed very aware of where the focus of his attention had been, but she didn't say anything. Will didn't know that was because she couldn't.

"Zac's all ready to go out with you. I've put together everything you might need." She held out a small backpack towards him.

He looked at it, feeling confused. It was blue and red and had a Superman picture on the front. But why was she giving it to him?

"Are-aren't you coming with us?"

She shook her head and smiled. "I thought you and Zac should have some quality time together."

She looked down at Zac, "You'd like that, with your daddy, wouldn't you?"

The little boy nodded.

"If that's okay with you then Will?" Her brow was wrinkled as she looked at him.

"Yeah." He felt ridiculously nervous about being in charge of another person. He did this every day at school. Could it be that different?

At least Emma didn't look so anxious. She was smiling and talking and he wasn't paying enough attention.

"I packed a drink and some snacks for you both. And a jacket for you Zac, in case it gets cool," she was saying. "And, there's a change of clothes in there, in case you need it, which you won't," she looked Zac in the eye and smiled at him as she continued, "because you'll let Will know when you need the bathroom, won't you?"

Zac smiled shyly back at her, nodding his head.

"So, you're set. And you'll have fun with your daddy." She knelt then, giving Zac a fierce hug, before she tickled him and he started giggling and wriggling and she let him go.

She ushered them to the door and watched as Zac took the hand Will held out for him and the two of them made their way down the driveway. Two figures in blue jeans and checked shirts. One tall and one small. As they turned the corner into the street, Zac looked back at her with big eyes. She blew kisses and smiled encouragingly.

"Have fun, baby. Have fun."

She watched them until they got to the end of the street and then she went back inside the empty house.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

She'd found herself looking out the window every few minutes as she worked. Checking her watch and making sure her cellphone had signal. It wasn't like Zac hadn't been away from her or that she couldn't trust anyone else to be responsible for him but this felt different. Momentous. She didn't want anything to go wrong. Or for Will to bring him home early. Because that would mean he didn't like being with Zac. That he might not come back. She knew her mind was getting carried away with worst case scenarios. All her worst fears. Will would call and say that Zac was having a meltdown, could she please come and get him and she would know that she was the one responsible for her child's distress. Or he wouldn't bring him home at all. He'd phone her from Lima. Tell her that she'd had all this time with Zac and now he deserved the same. And he'd be right. But her baby would be trapped in the middle of it all and she already missed him and she couldn't breathe. Her fingers were clenched tight around the edge of the desk, her knuckles showing white through her skin. Slowly she relaxed them, one by one and she could feel the blood flowing back to her fingertips and the dizziness receding with each deep breath.

The house was tidy again and she'd drafted more pamphlets than she'd managed in recent months, but even so half her mind had stayed wondering what Zac and Will were doing, where they were. When she allowed herself to check the street once more, it was with relief she saw Will's figure in the distance, rounding the corner. She leapt up from her chair, hurrying down the stairs to meet them at the door. She could already feel the smile on her lips. Opening the front door, she saw Will coming up the driveway, Zac cradled against his chest, his sleepy head resting on his father's shoulder.

"Hey," Will said quietly as he climbed the steps to the porch.

"Hey," Emma reached a hand out to brush Zac's hair gently.

Will looked down at the slumbering little boy.

"He was full of energy and then suddenly his eyes were closing."

Emma laughed softly. "That's how he is. I guess he was having too much fun."

She hoped they had been.

"We did. I mean, I think he did."

Emma nodded. She couldn't interrogate Will about everything they'd done and everything Zac had said. How he'd seemed. Though she kind of wanted to. But this was about her letting go.

"Do you want to put him down on the couch? He can have a nap before dinner."

She watched Will as he laid their son down tenderly, his hand resting briefly on Zac's hair. And then they were just standing there. Together. And she was unbearably aware of that fact.

"Um, would you like a drink? Coffee? Soda?"

"I guess I should get going."

Was Will that uncomfortable around her?

"Zac will be awake again in a minute."

"Really? He looks out for the count."

"No, give him five minutes and he'll be running around again."

Will shook his head, as he watched Zac sleep. As she watched him.

"Come though." She motioned to the kitchen and Will followed.

While he looked around, absorbing details of her and Zac's life here, she knew, she busied herself making coffee.

She couldn't help but wish they could talk, like they used to. Once upon a time, Will had talked to her about his feelings about becoming a father, to a different baby, and now he was one, and she couldn't even ask him how that was for him. And for so many reasons she did want to know.

She poured the coffee and turned to him, as he studied Zac's paintings.

"Uh," she started to speak but thought better of it.

"Oh," Will glanced at her. "Just black with two sugars, please."

_Did he think she'd forgotten?_

She passed the cup to him, their fingers brushing lightly and she had to look away. Moving to the table she indicated that he should sit too and then there they were, facing one another.

For what felt like minutes, there was just silence between them. She found herself staring at her coffee, at her fingers, at the table. Anything to not have to look at Will. And it wasn't just that she didn't know what to say. There was something so confusing about being near him again.

Will cleared his throat. "Zac ate all his snacks. I...I took him for pizza too." He hesitated now, realizing that Emma might not approve. "He liked it."

She nodded.

"That's good."

She wasn't going to mention that she kept Zac off dairy. Will wasn't to know.

"And I should make sure to get the laundry out of Zac's bag...he, uh, needed a change of pants."

"Oh, Will, I'm sorry." She always felt bad when this happened when Zac was on a playdate or at daycare. It didn't happen often but she always felt like she'd failed. "He's really good these days. I mean, he almost never..."

"Emma, it's fine."

Will smiled but she couldn't stop trying to explain.

"never needs that. He just gets distracted sometimes, when he's having fun or..." She was going to say that Zac got shy when he was with someone new but if that happened then this was definitely her fault.

"Emma, I just got him cleaned up and in dry clothes and he forgot about it two minutes later. I don't mind. He...he's my kid."

She nodded. The knot she felt in her chest was growing and she couldn't put into words everything she felt.

"Do you...do you want to see Zac next weekend, Will? I could drive up to Lima with him."

Will nodded. She thought there might be tears in his eyes, as there were in hers.

"And...and," she forced herself to say this, "if there's anyone you'd like Zac to meet, then maybe it would be a good opportunity."

Will just nodded. "Yeah, I mean," he pushed his hand through his hair and then stopped speaking. There were definitely some tears in his eyes, she thought.

"So we should," she continued, until she heard footsteps behind her and turned to see Zac coming through the doorway.

He grinned and climbed into her lap.

"See?" she smiled at Will, as she dropped a kiss on top of Zac's head.

"Do you feel better, baby?" she whispered to him and he nodded still a little sleepy.

"I should go," Will said suddenly.

"I...Sure, I mean, of course, if you need to."

She got up, following Will, holding Zac in her arms.

"Do you want to talk details? For next weekend?"

Will shook his head.

"I'll call you. We can talk later in the week."

"Okay," she wasn't sure what else to say. Will seemed to be keen to leave and she wasn't sure why.

She lifted Zac a little higher in her arms, so that it would be easier for Will to take him, if he wanted a hug or to give him a kiss goodbye. But he just turned when he got to he door and looked down at Zac with a look on his face that she couldn't read.

"Bye, buddy."

"Bye," Zac said back.

And they stood together at the door as Will got in his car and drove away. Zac waving as they watched Will's car reach the end of the street and turn the corner, heading home.


	12. Chapter 12

"It was incredible, Shan. When I carried him...just the feel of his little body against my chest, holding him in my arms...I..." He couldn't continue. These waves of emotion kept hitting him. When he was teaching, standing at the board, talking about finding the emotion behind a song, he'd feel the tears welling. Every tiny thing seemed to mean so much more now. Now that he had a child.

"I'm really glad the visit went so well, Will. I am."

Will laughed. "Look at me. I'm an emotional wreck. I know they say becoming a father changes everything but I had no idea what that really meant. I mean, I think about him all the time, Shan. And that's great but also, I mean, I had this amazing day with him and then I'm looking at him and I know I have to leave. And that I won't see him all week...and I wanted to stay. I'm thinking another half an hour, time to play with him, maybe read a story, and then I'm overcome by this panic that I won't be able to leave him...like, if I don't leave that second, I just won't be able to bear it. I just won't be able to walk away."

He sighed. Shannon placed her hand on his shoulder.

"I know it's tough, Will, but it's going to be worth it, every moment you do get to spend with him."

"Yeah, I just... is it always going to be like that? His whole life I'm going to get to feel close to him... then have to walk away. And if it's like this now...I mean I'm only just _knowing him_, what will it be like when he's so completely... _mine_?"

"You love him, Will. That's..that's just how it is. When you really love someone, I think that's always gonna come with some hurt too. And you know, you and Emma, you'll work this out. When do you see him again?"

"Next weekend, they're coming to Lima for the weekend. Do you want to meet him, Shan?"

"You sure, Will? You don't have that much time with him. And it's all precious, that time you spend together. It can wait, if you want."

"Shan, I want him to be a part of my life here. And there's no one I'd rather have him meet."

"Better not let your parents hear that. They might have something to say about that. Their only grandchild."

She gave him a look.

"Will?"

"I haven't told them."

"Why not? Don't you think it's something they should hear from you? Instead of wondering who the little kid they see you walking down the street with is."

"I...I just wanted to keep this...as something good...because it is. But you know them, they won't see it that way. God, you know what they're like...what they thought about Emma and me."

Shannon nodded. He'd told her how they'd felt about that relationship. That he should have found a way to save his marriage. His mom stilll sent Terri Christmas cards, probably a gift too. They even met up for lunch now and then. When he was with Emma she never stopped telling him that Terri was his wife, that he should find a way to make it work. And he knew it wasn't easy on his parents, that Terri had been a part of their lives for so long, she was family to them, but he just wanted to scream at them. Didn't they care that she faked a pregnancy? Everyone makes mistakes was their answer to that. But now here he was with a child of his own, they had a grandchild, and he didn't trust them to be happy for him.

"I...I'll tell them. Just maybe not yet. Not until things are more settled." Maybe what he meant was not until he trusted this was real.

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Emma drove along the familiar streets, following their journey to the park where Zac had first met Will. That was what they'd agreed, in their brief phone conversation, that they would meet in the park. Zac would have a chance to play, run around, it would be nice and relaxed. She took deep breaths as she gripped the wheel. Why hadn't she asked him who he was bringing? Why didn't she ask him how serious things were? She kept imagining him saying the words "we're expecting a baby of our own soon". She knew it was crazy but what if this relationship of his was serious, what if he did start another family? Would he have time for Zac then? Was this just filling time until that happened? Practising until his real child came along.

And why was she even doing this? Rushing things along. She couldn't even answer that question herself. Did she hope that if she integrated Zac fully into Will's life that it would be as though these years had never happened? That Zac had always been in his life. Did she want this for Zac? Or was she trying to satisfy her own awful curiosity about the state of Will's life? Answer a question that she wasn't brave enough to ask outright. That she didn't even want to admit that she still cared about.

As they pulled into the parking lot, she could see on the bench where they'd met before, Will, in the distance, and he was embracing a woman. And she felt that familiar twisting in her gut, that sickening feeling, and she knew it had to be an echo of what she'd felt before. That it wasn't real. It wasn't _now_. But it felt a lot like it. And she had to make herself turn around and look at Zac and smile. To remind herself why she was doing any of this.

"Baby, we're here. We're going to see Will and meet his special friend."

She smiled again. If she just kept smiling then she could do this.

Zac squirmed as she undid his harness and she kissed the top of his head as she lifted him out of the car and then watched him run towards Will across the grass.

Will was scooping Zac up into his arms, lifting him high in the air, as she started towards them. And when she glanced passed them she realized with shock that the figure sitting on the bench was Shannon. Her friend. Will's friend. McKinley's football coach.


End file.
